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Twice Engaged, Once Married

Chris Kazi Rolle • Dec 13, 2015

My journey to becoming a married man hasn’t been an easy one. I was engaged once before, but never made it to the altar. We tried, but we failed. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I could throw her under the bus to make myself look good, but that wouldn’t be fair to her. And the way things didn’t work out taught us some valuable lessons, one of which is, don’t point fingers. The others are be self-aware and own up to your own contribution. It’s hard to speak candidly about your own mistakes, but that’s what I tell my coaching clients to do so I have to practice what I preach.

Looking back on my previous relationship, I think the problem was I wasn’t engaged to the woman I was with, I was engaged to an idea. One idea was the idea of who she was. I wanted a woman who looked good on paper and my ex did. She was smart and articulate. People would meet her and be impressed, and thus, I thought, she would make me look good too — like my trophy wife!

Then there was the idea of who we were together. She had skills that could help me in my business. Her resume and reputation matched mine and would look good in the eyes of the public. I wasn’t necessarily attracted to  her. I was more attracted to what people would think about  us  as a couple.

The last — and biggest mistake — was the idea of being married. I wanted to wed because of an image in my head. An image I got from TV. She could be Claire and I could be Heathcliff. It was an image that was different from what I saw in my home growing up in foster care. So when someone came along that fit these ideals I ran with it. Little did I know, sometimes the image of perfection we have in our heads clashes with the reality of who, and where, we are.

Falling in love with someone was a powerful experience for me. There was a certain freedom that occurred. The facade that I wore for the world could finally come off and I could be free to be myself. I’d been in relationships before, but I never felt safe enough to take that mask off. Love opened me up and who I really was emerged. But all of my “stuff” rose up too — stuff like insecurity, self-doubt, fear of being vulnerable, and of not being good enough.

To be in that relationship, I either had to work on myself to be a better human being or find a reason to get the hell up outta there! I ended up staying, which is not what some of us do. We run away, and I’ve personally been Usain Bolt many times myself— not because I didn’t desire to be in a relationship, but because it was just too difficult to confront myself. It was easier to put a surrogate out to the world.

After repeating this process enough times, I started to realize I can’t run from myself. So I got into me. I’ve gone to therapy, read almost every self-help book I can get my hands on, recited daily affirmations, done spiritual work, engaged in coed conversations, cathartic writing, yoga, prayer, meditation, healing with my exes and lots of soul-searching.

That process revealed a lot, and as I healed and got to know my self, I was transformed as a person. I wasn’t attracted to the same kind of woman anymore. I no longer wanted a woman to complete me. I want her to fit with who I was; be my compliment. It took some time to get there. I didn’t meet my wife until I was 31 years old. But looking back at the journey, one thing I know for certain is the work that I have put into me was the catalyst to being in a healthy loving relationship today.

This blog was also published at Madame Noire :

By Chris Kazi Rolle 05 Aug, 2024
Capturing Essence: A Journey Through My Content Creation Process As a creative director and producer, I run a content creation agency dedicated to helping creatives and entrepreneurs present, promote, and profit from their personal brands. The devil is indeed in the details, and through my experience, I’ve learned that telling a client’s story via content involves meticulously managing all moving parts and contributors, especially during a photo shoot. This article aims to shed light on my process, the roles of the team members, and how I ensure that everything works seamlessly together to achieve our goals. The Importance of Storytelling in Content Creation Content is more than just visuals; it's a narrative. Every photo, video, or piece of text should communicate the essence of a brand, the values it stands for, and the emotions it wants to evoke. My role is to translate a client’s vision into tangible, compelling content that resonates with their audience. This process involves understanding the client's unique story, their target audience, and the message they want to convey. It’s about creating a visual and emotional connection that can influence perceptions and drive engagement. Managing a Photo Shoot: The Key Players A successful photo shoot is a symphony of coordinated efforts. Here’s a closer look at the key players and how their contributions are integral to the final product. The Stylist The stylist is pivotal in ensuring that the client's wardrobe aligns with the brand’s image. Clothing is a powerful communicator of comfort, confidence, and authenticity. It’s crucial that the client feels at ease in their attire, as discomfort can easily show on camera. The stylist curates outfits that not only look good but also reflect the client’s personality and brand values. They consider everything from the latest fashion trends to the subtleties of color psychology to create looks that are both on-brand and visually appealing. The Groomer Grooming is another essential aspect that cannot be overlooked. A good groomer ensures that the client looks their best, enhancing their natural features without overshadowing their personality. This includes makeup, hair, and any other personal grooming needed to present the client in the best light. Groomers also play a critical role in maintaining the client's appearance throughout the shoot, making adjustments as needed to ensure consistency and polish. The Photographer The photographer is the eyes of the shoot, capturing moments that tell a story. A good photographer understands the importance of flow and needs to stay in the zone to capture the best shots. They rely heavily on their assistants to keep things running smoothly, from setting up equipment to adjusting lighting and backgrounds. The photographer’s vision, combined with their technical skills and artistic eye, brings the entire project to life. The Photo Assistants Photo assistants play a crucial role in maintaining the flow of the session. They handle equipment setup, assist with lighting adjustments, and ensure that everything is in place for the photographer to focus on capturing the perfect shots. Their contributions are vital in keeping the shoot on track and resolving any issues before they become problems. They act as the silent backbone of the shoot, enabling the photographer to concentrate on their creative process. Creating Flow: The Heart of a Successful Shoot Maintaining the flow during a shoot is essential. It involves several elements working together harmoniously: Pre-Shoot Preparation Preparation is key. Before the shoot, we ensure that all equipment is in working order, the wardrobe is finalized, and the grooming plan is set. We discuss the client’s vision and the message they want to convey, making sure everyone is on the same page. This includes creating detailed shot lists, mood boards, and timelines to guide the shoot and ensure that nothing is left to chance. On-Site Coordination On the day of the shoot, my role as a producer is to keep everything moving smoothly. This includes troubleshooting any issues that arise, ensuring the team is working cohesively, and making real-time decisions to adapt to any unforeseen circumstances. Effective communication is crucial here; keeping everyone informed and motivated helps maintain momentum and focus. Encouraging Collaboration and Contribution I encourage everyone on set to share their ideas and observations. While not every suggestion can be implemented, fostering an environment where everyone feels their input is valued can lead to creative breakthroughs. This collaborative spirit is essential for capturing the essence of the client’s brand. Each team member brings their unique perspective and expertise, which can add depth and nuance to the final product. Attention to Detail: The Small Things That Matter Details make all the difference in a photo shoot. Here are some aspects I pay close attention to: Props and Accessories Props can add depth to a photo, conveying aspects of the client’s personality or brand. Whether it’s a meaningful object or a simple background element, every prop is chosen with intention. They help tell a story, create context, and enhance the overall visual narrative. Thoughtfully selected props can transform a good photo into a great one, adding layers of meaning and interest. Expressions and Poses The client’s expressions and poses should feel natural and genuine. Whether smiling or serious, each look should convey the right message. I work closely with the photographer and the client to capture the right emotions. This involves providing clear direction, offering encouragement, and sometimes even coaching the client on how to relax and be themselves in front of the camera. Color Palette and Aesthetics The color palette used in the shoot should align with the brand’s visual identity. Subtle use of colors can enhance the overall message and create a cohesive look across all content. This includes considering the background, wardrobe, props, and any other elements in the frame. A consistent color palette helps create a unified brand image and can evoke specific emotions and associations in the viewer. The Role of Planning and Flexibility Planning is a cornerstone of successful content creation. A well-thought-out plan can prevent many issues and ensure that everyone knows their role and responsibilities. However, flexibility is equally important. Even the best plans can encounter unexpected challenges, and the ability to adapt quickly and effectively is crucial. This balance of structure and adaptability allows us to handle any situation that arises and still achieve our goals. Success Strategies for Effective Content Creation Understanding the Client’s Vision The first step in any project is to deeply understand the client’s vision. This involves thorough discussions, mood boards, and sometimes even site visits to grasp what they want to achieve. Knowing the client's goals, target audience, and desired outcomes helps us tailor our approach to meet their specific needs. Building a Strong Team A strong team is the foundation of any successful project. I work with experienced professionals who are not only skilled in their respective roles but also understand the importance of collaboration and communication. Each team member is selected based on their expertise and how well they fit the project's requirements. Maintaining Clear Communication Clear and consistent communication is vital throughout the project. From initial planning meetings to post-shoot reviews, keeping everyone informed and aligned ensures that we stay on track and meet our objectives. Regular check-ins and updates help address any issues promptly and keep the project moving forward. Prioritizing Client Comfort and Confidence A client who feels comfortable and confident will always perform better on camera. We go to great lengths to create a relaxed and supportive environment during shoots. This includes everything from playing the client’s favorite music to offering breaks as needed. When clients feel good, it shows in the final product. Capturing the Essence: The Final Product A photo says a thousand words, but what do we want it to say? The goal is to capture the essence of the client’s brand, the message they want to send to their audience, both present and future. This involves careful planning, creative collaboration, and meticulous execution. Ensuring Brand Consistency Every piece of content should consistently reflect the brand’s values and aesthetics. This requires a deep understanding of the brand and attention to every detail, from wardrobe choices to color schemes. Consistency builds trust and recognition, essential elements for a successful brand. Communicating Values Ultimately, the content we create should communicate the values the client wants to convey. Whether it’s professionalism, creativity, authenticity, or any other value, our aim is to make sure it shines through in every photo and video. This clear communication helps connect with the audience on a deeper level and reinforces the brand’s identity. Conclusion As a creative director and producer, my mission is to help creatives and entrepreneurs tell their stories through compelling content. By managing all the moving parts and contributors of a photo shoot, I ensure that every detail is taken care of, and the final product truly captures the essence of the client’s brand. Through collaboration, preparation, and a keen eye for detail, we create content that not only looks great but also communicates the right message, helping our clients present, promote, and profit from their personal brands. In the world of content creation, the devil truly is in the details. By focusing on every aspect of the process, from pre-shoot planning to post-shoot review, we can create content that not only meets but exceeds our clients’ expectations. This dedication to excellence and our ability to tell compelling stories through visuals is what sets us apart and helps our clients succeed in their branding efforts. 
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By Chris Kazi Rolle 03 Apr, 2017
1) Friendship: Couples who have a strong friendship have staying power. They not only love each other but genuinely like each other as people. They enjoy hanging out together. They might even consider each other their “best friend.”
By Chris Kazi Rolle 03 Aug, 2016
I'm positive you've attended an event, and had to watch a guy you were interested in, walk right out the door, without him knowing, you wanted to get to know him.This scenario plays out because it's not traditional for a woman to make the first move. And for many guys, they won’t even approach a woman who doesn’t give him a cue. What this creates in an impasse. He's scared of rejection and you don't believe that it's "lady-like" to approach a man. But, therein lies the rub!So, what can you do about it? Good question! Glad you asked. Here are 2 cues you can employ to make it easy for him to come over and introduce himself.1. Smile. A smile is a great way to nonverbally say "I am open to a conversation". Sounds simple but you'd be surprised how many times you might be wearing a frown and “you ain't even know it”.2. Develop a “come hither look”. It’s a tactful way for a classy woman to make an advance. Webster Dictionary defines a “come hither look” as “an alluring or seductive look or glance”. This look can trigger a man’s innate desire to pursue.I advise my clients to do something I call, "mirror work". Mirror work can be used for multiple things, one of which is practicing your body language. 85% of communication is nonverbal. Before you go out there, it's important to get the right "welcome" down pact (and to make sure that there is nothing between your teeth). :-)
By Chris Kazi Rolle 23 Jun, 2016
I get asked all the time about the difference between coaching and therapy. In order to create a clear distinction between the two, I'll try to explain here.
By Chris Kazi Rolle 13 Dec, 2015
My journey to becoming a married man hasn’t been an easy one. I was engaged once before, but never made it to the altar. We tried, but we failed. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I could throw her under the bus to make myself look good, but that wouldn’t be fair to her. And the way things didn’t work out taught us some valuable lessons, one of which is, don’t point fingers. The others are be self-aware and own up to your own contribution. It’s hard to speak candidly about your own mistakes, but that’s what I tell my coaching clients to do so I have to practice what I preach.
By Chris Kazi Rolle 12 Dec, 2015
Dear Men Who Text, From a time management stand point, I can see how texting can be a great way to stay on her mind while you handle other business [and for some of us guys, juggle multiple women]. I get it. I've done it too.That is why, I can tell you, from experience, that the thing to be cautious of is, technology doesn't always convey what you are really trying to say, or who you really are, and...on top of that, men and women speak two different languages.See, when texting is your primary means of talking to her, what 'she' gets from you, differs, from your intention. She interprets it as a sign that you don't hold her in high regard. It tells her that she isn't worth your time. It also comes across as if you're selfish. It communicates that you are the type of man who wants something of value, for nothing in return. You want to be intimate without intimacy.You can't get to know someone through texting! You just can't. Quality relationships begin with quality conversation and quality time. Anything else, leads to too much miscommunication.If you are really interested in her, pick up the phone and call her.Sincerely,+ckr
By Chris Kazi Rolle 10 Dec, 2015
Contrary to popular belief, submission, is for men too.It's impossible to experience love at the deepest level without both parties being submissive.When two people give of themselves it takes the relationship higher. When only one person submits, there will always be a struggle.There was a time I use to think that it was all about the woman submitting to her man, but through study, and experience, I have come to realize that submission is essential for both parties to have a successful union. It takes two!When both parties humble their egos and give up themselves.The ME, and the YOU, disappear, and the focus becomes about "the us".Our personal need to be right, becomes second to doing what is right.By agreeing to be vulnerable to one another, they automatically let go of the fear of being mistreated or manipulated.They surrender to love between them.
By Chris Kazi Rolle 09 Dec, 2015
From my listening, I have gleaned that the desire to be a mother really affects how most women plan out their lives. Especially in the area of relationships.
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